Humor, Stream of Consciousness
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Originally published December 27, 2006

 

So, I was in a bar the other night, and the bartender was bemoaning how slow business was. So, I’m thinking maybe I can come up with a sure-fire way to increase their business, and I’m thinking something along the lines of a dancing bear, and the bartender says, she says, ‘maybe if I was dancing bare…’

Ummm…
Well… SURE…
Okay…
That’ll work…

Aye, and a proper saucy lass she was, this being a Scottish bar I was in…
But until the community board undoes about 30 years of zoning cases to allow that sort of thing, we’ll have to stick with more conventional solutions…

So I wrapped my head around the problem, and I think I have just such a solution. It involves fireworks, a live chicken, a weed-eater and some peach preserves…

Hear me out…

What we do is to threaten the chicken with the weed-eater outside the bar. Not that anything would ever happen. In fact, it’s perfectly okay if the chicken is in on the entire thing. That will ensure that everything is on the up and up, and that no weed-eaters are harmed in the execution of this brilliant strategy.

As I was saying, we threaten the chicken with the weed-eater, at which point some well-meaning but totally misguided passerby (because the chicken is in on it, see?) will stop to protest against the cruelty to animals.

Fine, we’ll say…
No weed-eater, we’ll say…
Then we’ll pull out the peach preserves, and we’ll have this really weird expression play across our features.

It is VITALLY important that this be done with a straight face!

Once it dawns on them just what it is they think you intend to do, with the peach preserves, to the chicken (but it’s okay, see, because the chicken is actually IN ON the whole thing, see?), they’ll be outraged.

Here is where timing is crucial

At the highest point of their dudgeon, you set off the fireworks, right next to them, where the very small vacuum created by the fireworks, coupled with the extremely high but again, localized and assumed moral vacuum, will result in the creation of a equally small, equally localized worm-hole, that will pull any and everyone on the street through the doors, into the bar, and out the other end, into an awaiting black hole. But because of the localization of the forces involved, coupled with their quite understandable resistance at being sucked into the void, everyone will have time for a pint before being lost to the ‘event horizon’, which may be described as the point where they have actually paid for their beverage, but are unable to wait for their change.

It is VERY important that you not get distracted during this process.

Do not stop to wave to any of the regulars, as this may lead to every atom of your being getting ripped apart in an extremely un-quenched manner.

As I see it, it’s a win/win situation. The bar gets increased business. The bartenders get increased tips (see the description of the ‘event horizon’, above). And I win the Nobel Prize for Physics for having discovered the origin of ‘dark matter’, which can’t fully be described here without a ton of really hard equations of the mathematical flavor – but can be witnessed every time I go into a bar, as they usually turn the lighting down, promptly…

It’s a matter of darkness, apparently…
It’s also just a theory…
I could be wrong…

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