Absurd, Humor
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Originally posted on April 19, 2008

THIS JUST IN…

Sometime last week, a man was arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling fake crack cocaine to residents at a Jacksonville nursing home…

The questions almost seem too numerous to even attempt, but I’ll give it the old college try…

Why were residents of a Jacksonville nursing home purchasing crack cocaine, fake or not, in the first place? Was bingo cancelled due to a lack of restraint on the residents part because they were all doped up on real crack? Does crack cocaine make the ordinarily bland nursing home food taste better? (Even a slab of nursing home mystery meat wiggles like Jell-O in an earthquake, when you’re hopped up on goofballs…) Just how boring is nursing home life, that you need to supplement the fun with chemical additives? Did the residents bring the habit with them, or was it a part of the activities calendar, ala some demented attempt at remaining ‘current’ or ‘hip’, from a warped and/or Gothic version of a maniacal Julie the cruise director…?

Monday’s schedule: recreational shuffleboard…
Tuesday’s schedule: recreational tic-tac-toe…
Wednesday’s schedule: recreational pharmaceuticals…

Apparently, the suspect was selling small pieces of bread that looked like crack to the residents…

It may be time to revisit that whole optometry exemption in our current Medicare policies…

But perhaps the biggest question of all is how long has this been going on…? The man was arrested after the fake crack was sold to residents. Please notice the tenses used in the last sentence… And the plurality, as in a number greater than one…

One would assume that the real thing had been bought before, because someone spotted the difference in efficacy… And because the ratting out of the somewhat inept entrepreneur brought all purchasers into the grasp of the long arm of the law… But what would posses a disgruntled customer to actually call the police? Now you’re not only without your scheduled diversion, you’re out the cash as well, since the police will have confiscated all evidence pending the settlement of the case. Assuming you’re not now residing in the hoosegow…

Surely a more efficient method of dealing with the pathetic perpetrator would have been to form a vigilante squad, sort of a wanton Wild Bunch, meting out justice in their own inimitable style. Such as giving the crack salesman a crack upside the head with their canes…

Somebody has to stand up to these crooked dealers, and by golly, by gum, the Grey Panthers are just the group to do it… Nobody’s gonna sell fake drugs to us, not while we have the courage and the gumption and the walkers to do something about it…

Besides, if it’s not crack cocaine, then the residents of our nation’s nursing homes might fall prey to some other really pernicious problem affecting society today…

Like… oh, I don’t know… let’s say going on a crime spree…

What?
That’s already happened?
Really?
Look here?

http://sluggabohn.wordpress.com/2007/09/19/60-year-olds-on-alleged-crime-spree-arrested-in-vt/

Okay then… If not drugs or crime, then our honorable seniors could turn to things like… prostitution…

What?
Really?
Look where?
Here?

http://sluggabohn.wordpress.com/2007/09/19/62-year-old-grandmother-arrested-in-a-prostitution-sting/

Okay… eeewww…!!!

You know what the real problem with society today is?
It’s all those ding dang lawless senior citizens roaming around, terrorizing us decent God-fearing law-abiding folks, that’s what…

It’s just a theory…
I could be wrong…

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