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Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Quayle.

For todays post, we shall go on a journey.
An exploration, not so much of space, as of time.

And as we prepare for our voyage, we here at IDIOT, the Institute Devoted (to the) Increase Of Twaddle (or Tommyrot, or Tomfoolery… we here at the Institute don’t mind you injecting your own favorite ‘T‘ word wherever you wish. We wouldn’t want to be thought of as Thoughtless, after all) – I say, we here at the Institute wish you to relax. Leave the twirling of the dials and the button pushing to us. We’ll fiddle with all the settings on our little time machine, as it were. You just close your eyes, and marvel at the good fortune which allows you to live in an age where, to travel back in time, you need only wish it to be so.

Take a deep breath.
Relax.
Take another deep breath.
Relax
Allow yourself to slowly drift, among the calm, lazy eddies of times’ affable currents.
Feel the gentle caress of warm breezes, as you glide down the valley of the near past; a valley enclosed by mountains of actual experience shrouded in the hazy mists of forgetfulness, and willing amnesia. Do not worry about those heights. They cannot harm you. We sail between those barely perceptible peaks. You needn’t even look at them.
Close your minds’ eyes once more.
Take another deep breath.
Relax.

Come with me now.
Back we go.
Slowly.
Softly.
To a simpler time, a happier time; to an (all-together more appropriately) kinder, gentler time.

I refer to those halcyon days of yore, when people wanted to laugh, and would look for any opportunity to do so. Thus were mighty comedians born, in the days to which we journey.

But it’s not to the world of entertainment that we make our pilgrimage – it is in the world of politics that we seek our entertainment.

Come with me, as we once more thrill to the sage-like uttering’s of one of the most quotable luminaries ever to grace our small little world. I speak to you, of course, of the one, the only…

Dan Quayle.

Who…?

Dan Quayle.
Dan Quayle?
Vice President Dan Quayle?
Under George H. W. Bush?
The first one?
Thousand points of light?
Wouldn’t be prudent? Not at this juncture?

Anyone?
Bueller?

Well then, let’s just have ourselves a little refresher course, shall we?
See, you had Reagan, who was the conservatives’ conservative, who never raised taxes no siree, Bob’s your uncle, not even once, though he did raise them 11 (eleven) times, and he tripled the deficit. And the whole Iran/Contra thing, where he circumvented Congress and sold weapons to Iran, the proceeds of which were used to fund Nicaraguan rebels, and he said things like, ‘well… mommy’, and ‘I don’t remember’. Totally illegal, and holy crap wrong (the Iran/Contra thing, not the ‘mommy’ thing), but that’s okay because he was a by-God Republican, and he fired all the air traffic controllers so let’s name an airport after him.

HW was his vice.

Then HW was elected president, and he said things like ‘read my lips – no new taxes’, though he also raised taxes, and he was a by-God Republican, too, but somehow when he did it, it was wrong, and he said the whole ‘thousand points of light’ thing, which Dana Carvey, a very talented comedian and impressionist, basically built his career on, and he invaded Iraq (the first time) and Panama (HW did those, not Carvey) and he (Bush) was praised for foreign policy, but had some domestic issues he couldn’t handle.

And Quayle was his vice.
Ah, Quayle…
God’s gift to comedians everywhere.
This is the guy who said things like:

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.”
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change.”
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”

And perhaps my favorite one of all:
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

I honestly don’t know why he was never awarded a Peabody, or the Mark Twain Prize for comedy.
Oh…
That’s right…
I remember…
Because he was Vice President, and people were petrified poopless somebody was gonna shoot HW.
That’s why…

Ah, but Quayle…
When Quayle spoke, it didn’t matter if you caught his words or not.
With him, lightening always struck in the same place; over and over again.

One wonders what might have happened if he and Terminator Cheney had gone hunting…

 

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