Humor, Politics
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Get Your Vitamin C Here…

It’s that time of the year again, folks. Fall in New England – that time of the year when the days grow shorter, and cooler, and those who had a hard time withstanding last winter find themselves almost in a state of despair. It’s gonna take a lot more than four months or so of warmth and sunshine, to erase the scars of that particularly brutal season from our collective psyche.

It’s also the time of year when Congress gears back up from their long summer of doing squat-all, as they head into the year-end home stretch of accomplishing even less than they did before they left, on their staggeringly generous R-and-R from finishing diddly. Some would have you believe these people work harder at doing nada, zilch and zippo, than just about anybody in the whole history of doing things.

Guilty, your honor.

Sloths are positively go-getting A-type gung-ho if you can’t keep up then at least get out of my way holy crap do you ever slow down dudes and dudettes, compared to your average, every day b-flat type of Congressman.
Kinda like hummingbirds hopped up on goof-balls.
The sloths I mean. Not Congress…
HAH! Congress like hummingbirds… HAH!!
Maybe in the relative size of their heads to their bodies… but otherwise…

But I don’t want to talk about Congress, which is defined by Google as:

  1. The national legislative body of a nation. But here I have to wonder – does it count as ‘being legislative’, if all you do these days is vote 54 times to de-fund a bill (the Affordable Care Act) that you yourself (Congress, in March of 2010) voted for and passed? Or how about trying to pass legislation that requires people receiving Federal aid pass a drug test, as a condition of that aid; all while supporting your own cocaine habit on a tax-payer funded salary? How about that one? Is that being legislative? Or how about allowing a right-wing minority of your party to hijack the entire process, just so you won’t loose your job as Speaker of the House? Is that being legislative? Cause God knows that spray-on tan by the makers of Tang (Tang Tan, now available over the counter, and at finer embalming suppliers everywhere… that’s Tang Tan – Orange you glad you tried us?™) – I say – God knows that stuff ain’t cheap… (Seriously, Boehner… dude… have you read the ingredients on those cans? That stuff can’t be good for you…)
  2. A formal meeting, or series of meetings. Yeah, see, here the definition breaks down. Because… I mean, surely, meetings where a VP (Cheney) tells another member of the Senate to “go (an appallingly rude word for an act that is, quite possibly, anatomically impossible to do to yourself, and isn’t nearly as satisfying as doing it with a partner, say, or maybe, say, sitting down and having a nice warm glass of Tang, say) yourself”; or standing up in front of God and C-Span and reading a phone book from cover to cover, in order to forestall a piece of legislation you don’t like; or maybe just getting (a shockingly rude word for an act that some see as the be-all end-all of existence)-all done, and then complaining about how underpaid you are, all while defeating every attempt to raise the minimum wage… Surely you wouldn’t count examples like this as a ‘formal’ meeting, would you? Okay, sure, yes, a ‘get down and dirty you want a piece of me just step outside mister so’s your old man I was doin’ this before you was an itch in your really starting to get on my nerves’ kind of meeting… but formal…? No way.
    A. Google then lists examples of this definition, such as: conference, convention, seminar, colloquium, rally and summit. But if you’ve ever been to a non-political convention, they tend to be anything but formal. Go-karts slewing through the crowds, non-stop karaoke and all you can eat buffets, with an occasional speaker thrown in. “Well, we paid him to be here, so we might as well let him”… speak, I mean… don’t throw the speaker into the buffet; it just annoys the catering staff, and turns everything else orange… and votes are taken on an endless string of useless resolutions but we’re gonna by-God take ‘em so we can show the folks back home what a fine job we’re doing up here oh yoo-hoo Mr. Speaker, watch me summit this resolution all up in this here colloquium hey are you a New York Times reporter? well (just a terrifically, unbelievably rude word for an act that we still can’t bring ourselves to discuss in public, that’s how rude it is) you!!!
  3. A society or organization. Which would imply one or the other, and both of which are currently in a state of seriously backorder-age, up on that there hill.
  4. The action of coming together, such as a sexual congress.
  5. Okay, ewwwwww!

But I don’t want to talk about any of that.
Except to note that a group of baboons is known as a congress.
A-yep… that’s just about right…

Orange, anyone…?

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